


how do i tell a girl

by peerieweirdo



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-15 19:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3459299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peerieweirdo/pseuds/peerieweirdo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is part of the AU a day challenge made by ravenpuffslytherdor on tumblr<br/>Every day (if i can keep it up) I'll be posting a super short oneshot based on a different AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cross Country Bus Ride AU

 

Danny hated field trips a lot. In fact the only thing she hated more than field trips was Brody Kirsch. 

And _of course_ god decided to stick those two things together. 

He was sitting at the back of the bus with his ‘bros’ making an unholy amount of noise and throwing stuff at everyone, laughing uproariously as he did so. 

Danny scoffed, sinking further into her seat. At least she’d managed to get a seat with no one sitting next to her. If she’d had to sit on a ten hour bus ride making small talk with anyone in her class she may just have killed herself.

The noise from the back became louder and Danny reflected briefly on exactly why teenaged boys were so annoying before she turned around to see what had happened. It seemed that one of the boys had thrown a can of soda across the bus and it had exploded everywhere. One of Danny’s friends was soaked and she looked like she was about to cry. 

“BRODY KIRSCH!” 

Everyone fell silent as their teacher stood up, his face purple with rage. 

“Because it is 11pm and I am tired, I am not in the mood to yell at you tonight. But know that when we arrive at the museum tomorrow you’re in a whole world of trouble. Now please move away from those cretins you call friends and come sit next to Miss Lawrence please.” 

Both Danny and Kirsch burst out into protests.

Danny hated field trips a lot. In fact the only thing she hated more than field trips was the overgrown child by the name of Brody Kirsch.

And  _of course G_ od decided to stick those two things together.

He was sitting at the back of the bus with his ‘bros’ making an unholy amount of noise and throwing stuff at everyone, laughing uproariously as he did so.

Danny scoffed, sinking further into her seat. At least she’d managed to get a seat with no one sitting next to her. If she’d had to sit on a ten hour bus ride making small talk with anyone in her class she may just have killed herself.

The noise from the back became louder and Danny reflected briefly on exactly why teenaged boys were so annoying before she turned around to see what had happened. It seemed that one of the boys had thrown a can of soda across the bus and it had exploded everywhere. One of Danny’s friends was soaked and she looked like she was about to cry.

“BRODY KIRSCH!”

Everyone fell silent as their teacher stood up, his face purple with rage.

“Because it is 11pm and I am tired, I am not in the mood to yell at you tonight. But know that when we arrive at the museum tomorrow you’re in a whole world of trouble. Now please move away from those cretins you call friends and come sit next to Miss Lawrence.”

Both Danny and Kirsch burst out into protests.

“I am not up for this argument.  _Now,”_ he said, before sitting back down in his seat.

Danny stared angrily out of the window as she heard Kirsch thump down on the seat beside her, blowing air angrily out of his nose.

“This is so unfair. I wasn’t even the one who threw it and now I have to sit next to the Summer Psycho.”

Danny winced a bit at the nickname, before shooting back a response. “I think I’m the one getting punished more here.”

“What are you talking about? I’m a delight.”

“Yeah sure,” she laughed incredulously, “now before I kill you, you’re gonna go over there and apologise to Laura for dowsing her in Dr Pepper.”

“ _I didn’t even-“_

“Do I look like I give a shit?! She’s about to cry, the least you could do is say sorry.”

Kirsch seemed to think for a moment (which impressed Danny. She didn’t know he was capable of thought), before getting out of his seat and walking over to the back of the bus. Danny didn’t watch the interaction, but when he returned he quickly asked, “you happy?!”

“Overjoyed,” she deadpanned.

Danny twisted around to look at the back of the bus, where Laura was giving her a grateful smile and a thumbs up.

“So, Lawrence, what are you most excited about on this trip? Personally I’m hoping to see some hot chicks.”

“Same here.”

"I don't think there'll be that many hot dudes-"

"No I'm looking for girls too." 

“Wait you’re…? That’s  _so_ hot!”

“You truly are disgusting,” Danny said, before reaching into her back and taking out a book.

“Dude, you like those books? I love them!”

She sighed, before setting her book down dramatically. “I don’t know if I like them or not because I keep being  _distracted_ when I’m reading them. Although I can understand the appeal to you, they are mostly pictures.”

“What do you think of Knives so far? She’s kinda annoying but trust me she becomes super badass.”

“Kirsch-“

“And just you wait till you meet one of Ramona’s exes because you’re really gonna like them-“

“ _Kirsch!”_

“What?”

Danny sighed. She was gonna have to pick her battles tonight. There was no point arguing over Scott fucking Pilgrim.

“I think Scott’s an asshole and should stay with Knives because he hardly knows Ramona at all.”

“ _What the fuck dude?!”_


	2. Bookstore AU

Kirsch stared blankly at the bookshelf. What he was looking for wasn’t there, he knew that.

But he couldn't bring himself to go ask at the counter, so he just stood staring blankly at the spines of books he didn't need.

'Can you move?'

Kirsch whirled around to see who had said that. He found himself eye to eye with a girl (which was rare enough in itself), and she looked _angry._

'Uh, actually I need to be here,' he said. He wasn't sure why he said that, he actually probably should have moved on, but that girl was being rude, so.

'Well you're in my way, so scram.'

'No way dude, I gotta pick up my book!'

'And what book is that, exactly?' she raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms.

'Uuuh...' Kirsch fished around his pockets, before pulling out a scrap of paper he'd gotten from his professor, 'Beo...' he squinted at the untidy scrawl, '...Beo-something.'

'Beowulf?' the girl laughed. 'That's in an entirely different section, idiot. This is the biographies.'

'Well sorry for not knowing my way around. I've never been in this store before.'

'That's evident.'

'And what the hell's that supposed to mean?'

'Nothing,' she leaned over and took a book off the shelf, before sauntering away.

Kirsch almost yelled after her, but he decided not to. No need to yell at random chicks in bookstores. 

* * *

Kirsch strolled into the bookstore, sighing. Just like his professor to hand out new reading before they’d even finished the first one. 

I mean it was partially his own fault for taking English Lit when he didn’t even like books, but still! He needed a minor and it was available. 

Now… where to find The Crucible. 

His eyes scanned the store and the signs hanging overhead. Fiction, Sci-Fi and Fantasy, History, Travel… The Crucible was a play right? He kept searching, and his eyes eventually fell on a head of bright red hair sticking out over the bookshelves. 

Oh no. 

Not her. 

He stuck his head down, walking forward and idling in front of the first shelf he reached. 

“Hey!”

Sighing, he once again turned around to look at the girl. 

“Yeah?”

“What are you looking for? I’m assuming it’s not Children’s Fiction Aged 8-10, but I could be wrong considering the impression I’ve been given of your intelligence.”

“Back off,” he said angrily. _Damn what was this girl’s problem?_ “For your information I’m looking for The Crucible by Arthur Moore, and I don’t need your help!” 

“Miller.” 

“What?” 

“The Crucible’s by Arthur _Miller.”_

“That’s what I meant.” 

“Sure it is.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Hey wait a minute, Beowolf and The Crucible? Are you in Dr Turnbull’s Lit class?” she asked. Kirsch stuffed his hands in his pockets, trying not to blush from embarrassment at using the wrong name. 

“Uh, yeah?” 

“Dude I’ve already passed that, let me give you my annotated copy,” she swung her bag on one shoulder and dug around, before bringing out a battered copy of The Crucible. She handed it over to Kirsch, who took it gratefully. That just saved him some money he would later spend on pizza. 

“Uh, thanks, I guess.”

“No problem, see you around,” she waved, heading off in the other direction. 

* * *

_Danny._

_Danny Lawrence._

_Property of Danny Lawrence._

Kirsch read the script over and over, as if somehow the name would make the girl from the store make sense to him. One minute they’re arguing and she’s making him feel dumb, the next she’s giving him a book and smiling like they’re friends. 

Not only that, but _damn that girl was good at English Lit._

Her notes quite literally saved his skin during the Midterm, and she’d colour coded it and her handwriting was super cute and she had little post-it-notes sticking out and wow. It was organised. 

Kirsch could respect that. 

His stomach was strangely unsettled as he walked into the store for the third time. He looked around and, sure enough, she was there. 

He strolled over, a smile slowly spreading across his face. She was standing looking intently at one of the books, and it was his turn to speak first. 

“Fancy meeting you here,” he said. She yelped and turned around. 

“Jesus you scared me!” 

“Now you know how it feels,” he said, “but seriously, you do come here a lot. What’s up with that?” 

“I work here, numbskull.” 

“Oh.” 

Kirsch felt dumb. Of course that was why she’d been helping him. It was her job. 

“Well I just wanted to return your book. I passed so thanks or something,” he held the book out in front of him. Slowly, she took it from him, fixing him with an intense stare. Since when had her eyes been so blue? 

“Thanks.”

“I hope you don’t mind, I kind of added my own notes onto it.” 

“No problem.” 

“You should check out the acknowledgements page.” 

Before she could even question it, Kirsch turned around and rushed out of the store. No way was he sticking around for when she read it. A few moments later, as he was walking, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

 

**_unknown number:_ ** _putting your phone number in my book… smooth_

**_kirsch:_ ** _thought you’d appreciate it_

**_unknown number:_ ** _and the answer is yes. pick me up at seven?_

 


	3. Platonic Living Together AU

'Kirsch, you told me you were gonna wash the dishes on tuesday.'

'And?'

'And they're still not done.'

'Hey I've been eating out of paper plates all week. They're your dishes, if you want them, clean them.'

'Ugh you're impossible,' Danny called over her shoulder from the kitchen.

'You love it!' Kirsch said from his bedroom,

over the sound of gunshots from some

video game.

Danny rolled her eyes. The pile of dishes was almost overflowing and she needed a bowl to put her soup in. 

She wouldn't have this problem if Kirsch just pulled his damn weight once in a while. Still, she kind of understood. The thought of washing dishes was extremely unappealing. In fact...

Before she could change her mind, Danny grabbed a spoon from the drawer and picked up the pot her soup was in.

_Wow the college stereotypes are true. I'm actually eating soup out of a pot right now to avoid doing dishes. My mother would be so proud._

She carried it through to Kirsch's bedroom, to find him sitting on his bed playing his PS3.

'Dude you suck at this. Just use one of your vigors or else you're gonna run out of bullets.'

Kirsch never took his eyes off the game, mashing buttons violently.

'The vigors in this game suck, Lawrence. They were so much better in the first two.'

'I don't care, you're almost out of ammo and you have full salt. Fucking use it.'

'You can't tell me what to do!'

'I've already completed this game.'

'So?'

'So I'm gonna spoil it for you if you don't use a fucking vigor-'

'You wouldn't dare-'

'BOOKER DEWITT IS COMSTOCK AND ELIZABETH IS YOUR DAUGHTER.'

'GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.'

Satisfied with herself, Danny walked through to their tiny living room, still eating out of the pot. She could hear Kirsch firing insults at her, and she just chuckled.

Spoiling him was one of her favourite things to do. This was almost as entertaining as the time she told him Harry was a horcrux.

She heard the game pause, and Kirsch’s heavy footfalls approached. 

“Well I guess there’s no point in finishing it now.” 

“That’s not true, you still don’t know that the Lutece’s-“

“ _Don’t you dare!”_

“Fine, but you know I have awful memory when there are dirty dishes around. I may just forget that you don’t know and let it slip,” she shrugged. 

“I hate you Lawrence.” 

“And I you, Kirsch.” 

And that’s how it went. She may have won the battle, but she knew the war was far from over. 

(Was living with someone meant to be a war?)

 


	4. Stuck in an airport at 2AM AU

22:45

“Attention passengers for the eleven o’clock flight to Styria. The flight will be dallied for up to five hours due to extreme weather conditions. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Kirsch muttered at the intercom announcement. He shrugged his heavy backpack off his shoulders and slumped on the floor, back against the grey flecked wall of the departure lounge.

A few other people seemed as annoyed as he was. A grey-haired woman in a suit was swearing down a phone, and a stressed looking father tried to calm his twins.

Kirsch took his phone out of his pocket and sent a quick text.

_planes been delayed. charge probably won’t last that long. see you whenever. xxx_

Putting the phone back, he leaned his head against the wall. It was going to be a long night, he may as well try to sleep. He was just beginning to drift off when his peace was disturbed by the sound of heavy footfalls and trundling suitcase wheels.

He opened his eyes to see a girl with flame-red hair barreling down the lounge towards a gate. When she say that it was already closed, she stopped in her tracks and swore loudly. She ran her hand through her hair, and Kirsch figured she was pretty stressed.

“You okay?” he asked.

“What does it look like, idiot?!” she shot back.

“Sorry, jeez. For a hottie you sure are an asshole.”

“And for a sexist dolt you sure are…” she sighed, losing her fire halfway through the sentence. She walked over to Kirsch, joining him on the floor. “I’m sorry. I just missed my flight because my taxi got stuck in the blizzard. I’m kinda cranky.”

“If it makes you feel any better, my flight’s been delayed. So I guess we’re both stuck here.”

“That sucks, dude. Where are you going?”

“Styria.”

“I have no clue where that is,” she laughed. “I’m heading to Birmingham.”

“Gross, why do you want to go there?”

“Trust me, I don’t. It’s for my job.”

“What’s your job?”

“Women’s soccer.”

“No way! Dude that’s so cool!”

“Thanks,” she smiled, before sticking out a hand, “I”m Danny.”

“Kirsch.”

* * *

23:07

“So that’s the problem, is that men’s soccer is just ‘soccer’, whereas if you have girls playing it, it’s all of a sudden ‘women’s soccer’.” Danny sipped her hot chocolate, “so even though we’re being allowed to play, it’s still exclusionary, right?”

“Dude, I totally get you! My little sis is  _super_ into sports, but she never gets as much play as the guys.”

They were sitting in one of the small cafes in the airport. It was mostly empty, and Kirsch could see the heavy blizzard outside the large glass panelled windows opposite their table. He was kinda glad the plane wasn’t trying to fly in that.

“Cute, what does your sister do?”

“Right now, fencing. But she’s done track, volleyball, hockey and probably tons more I missed.”

“Impressive. Is that why you’re heading home?”

“Yeah,” Kirsch smiled, puffing his chest out with pride, “she’s in an international competition with some French jerks tomorrow. What kind of brother would I be if i missed it?” When he realised what he said, he deflated. “I guess I  _am_ going to miss it now. God I’m the worst big bro ever.”

Danny gave him an apologetic look, before covering his hand with hers to comfort him.

“Hey, that’s not your fault,” she fixed him with a piercing stare, “you can’t blame yourself. Heck, my entire teams halfway to England by now without me.”

“Well yeah but that’s-“

“Cause of the weather? So’s your plane getting delayed. So either we’re  _both_ terrible people, or we accept that it’s out of our control. “

* * *

00:48

“Tiffany.”

“Chuck.”

“Jimmy.”

“Alison- but she goes by Aldo.”

“Lord Hamilton Grimsby the Third.”

Kirsch snorted. “Okay, you definitely win this game.”

“I told you I was good at guessing people’s names,” Danny said smugly.

“Fine, I suggest a new game.”

“And what would that be?”

“Guessing what underwear people are wearing.”

“Gross!”

“Not like that! Look…” Kirsch looked around for a moment, before pointing at a business man hunched over a laptop, “he’s wearing women’s lingerie because it helps to relax him when he’s stressed over flying.”

“She’s wearing an entire onesie under her normal clothes,” Danny nodded at the woman working at the cash register, “she’s a Mormon. Wearing those magical Mormon undies.”

Kirsch laughed, “good one! Okay, so they are definitely wearing each other’s underwear,” he nodded to a couple who were showing slightly too much PDA to be comfortable. “They had to get dressed in a hurry if you know what I mean.”

“Okay, so that’s gross,” Danny said, before whispering, “thong.”

“What?”

“Over there. The manager? Thong.”

“Oh wow.”

“Tell me about it.”

* * *

01:26

“Well this is me,” Danny said, standing up.

“Uh, yeah. See you,” Kirsch said, before internally face palming. Of course he wouldn’t see her. Why did he say that?

“Thanks for the company I guess.”

“Yeah.”

They smiled at each other for a moment, before Danny seemed to realise that she had to go. She turned around and made it halfway across the lounge before she stopped and ran back to Kirsch.

She took a pen out of her pocket and grabbed his hand, scribbling a phone number on it.

“Call me when you land? I wanna know how your sister does at that fencing competition.”

Kirsch couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face.

“Yeah, I will.”

“Great. See you!”

“See you.”


	5. Trapped in a bank during a robbery AU

'No one move!'

It seemed to go in slow motion. Danny's training kicked in automatically and she found herself in a fighting stance before her brain had even registered what was happening.

A man was standing in the centre of the room, pointing a gun wildly.

_Holy crap he has a gun._

'If you guys do what we say, we promise we won't hurt you. Trust me, corpses make for a very messy getaway.'

Danny felt her arms and legs freeze up. Her eyes scanned the scene hoping for something she could use to knock the gun out of his hands. She couldn't wrestle it from him, because his friend probably also had a weapon and would kill her before she managed.

'Okay,' he said, his voice worryingly soft, 'what you're going to do is sit tight over there, and not say a word.'

Everybody slowly began walking to the corner of the room, in a daze. Next to her a woman started crying. She bolted towards the door.

The gunshot echoed in Danny's ears.

Strangely, no one screamed. It was deathly silent.

'Next time I won't miss!' he yelled, before pushing the woman to sit with everyone else. It was then that Danny realised she was still standing up.

'Get down!' Kirsch yelled, before grabbing her and pulling her to the ground.

Danny sat there, her heart pounding and her brain running at a million miles an hour.

'You okay?' Kirsch asked.

'Yeah,' she whispered, ‘remind me to never check in on you at work again.’

‘We have training for this kinda stuff, trust me, don’t worry.’

Danny couldn’t see how trusting Kirsch could make her _not_ worry, but she kind of had no choice in this situation. 

She watched him slowly take his phone out of his pocket, making sure that the robbers couldn’t see anything. 

‘If you call 911 they’ll hear you!’

‘Exactly,’ he replied in a low tone, showing the screen to Danny. He was sending a text to Carmilla, asking _her_ to phone 911. 

‘Okay, that’s kinda a smart plan,’ Danny relented. 

‘Hey, no talking!’ the smaller of the two guys said. Danny raised her arms in sarcastic surrender. As soon as his back was turned, she leaned back over to Kirsch. 

’So is that the extent of your fabulous training?’ 

‘There was some stuff about self defence but I kinda stopped listening.’

‘We are doomed.’

 


	6. Vet Clinic AU

“I can’t believe I’m spending my Saturday night in a vet’s office with _you_.”

“Yeah well maybe we wouldn’t be having this problem if your dog wasn’t such a fucking psycho.” 

“Maybe we wouldn’t be having this problem if _your_ dog knew when to quit!”

The receptionist stared at her computer screen resolutely, paying no attention to the pair that were arguing on the cheap plastic seats. 

“My dog was just being friendly! It was your dog that bit mine!” 

“It was your dog that kept annoying mine until it had no choice to bite because it wasn’t taking no for an answer!” 

Kirsch didn’t understand. His dog had just been playing, maybe yapping around a little, but she wasn’t _hurting_ anyone. And then Danny’s mutt had turned around and bitten her when she’d done nothing wrong!

And now she was probably in a lot of pain in the vet’s and there was nothing he could do about it but wait. And when he was waiting he got agitated. 

“God, can you stop bouncing your leg up and down?” Danny said.

“Can you stop being such an asshole?” he retorted. Okay, so maybe not his best. But it got Danny riled up enough, which was the aim.

“I can’t believe you! You’re blaming me for this?! It wasn’t me who-“

They both whipped their heads around to look as the vet came through the door. Danny stood up. 

“Is she?”

“They’re both fine,” he assured them calmly. “I had to give them some stitches but other than that, all I can suggest is some rest.” 

“How about some obedience lessons so that Danny’s dog knows not to bite other dogs that are just trying to make friends?”

“How about some obedience lessons so that _Kirsch’s_ dog knows when it’s being annoying and pushing the boundaries?!” 

“Woah, woah, no one’s gonna need obedience lessons,” the vet laughed, “In fact, I think you two better come see this.” 

He walked back to the door, holding it open for Danny and Kirsch. They both walked in, and Kirsch could hardly believe what he saw. 

“Uh, Danny, why are our dogs cuddling?” 

“I have no idea.” 

“It seems they don’t hate each other as much as you both thought, huh?” the vet raised an eyebrow. 

Kirsch turned to Danny, who was still staring at their two pets, who had fallen asleep on top of each other and were breathing peacefully. 

“Truce?” he stuck out his hand. 

“Truce,” she shook. 

 


	7. Pretending to be your best friend because you look uncomfortable with the person hitting on you AU

Kirsch had seen it too many times. Working in a bar, it was only natural he’d encounter his fair share of drunken sleazeballs. It was almost always the same.

They’d get pissed, try and hit on a girl to impress their friends, not take no for an answer and make the poor girl uncomfortable. 

Well, it was a best case scenario that’d she’d be uncomfortable. The worst case was her lying dead in a ditch somewhere because she’s refused some asshole’s advances. And Kirsch would _never_ let that happen. 

Tonight was no different. 

She had ordered a beer forty minutes ago, and kept checking her phone anxiously. She was obviously waiting for someone, and judging by her beautiful makeup and fancy outfit, she was waiting for a date. 

_Whoever that girl’s date is, they’re lucky._

Kirsch watched as one of the men from the table near the window sauntered up to her. He was balding and had a belly that suggested pubs weren’t really new territory for him. His friends cheered and goaded him on from their table, making lewd gestures behind his back. 

“Hey there pretty lady,” he slurred, sliding onto the bar seat next to the girl. Kirsch tried his best to make it look like he wasn’t paying attention, but in reality he was listening to the whole interaction. 

“Now what’s a girl as attractive as you doing alone in a bar?” 

“What can I say, I just _really love_ being hit on by middle aged dudes who smell like they haven’t showered in three weeks.”

Kirsch couldn’t contain his snort. This girl could handle herself.

“You know you’re going to have luck with the guys if you keep up that attitude,” the man sneered at her. 

“Oh no,” she said in mock-sadness, “you mean I won’t be able to attract the absolute catch that is men like you? I’ll have to settle for people who actually expect women to,” she fake-gasped, “ _have opinions?”_

“Fuck off!”

“Gladly!” 

“I’ll teach you to wear a skirt as short as that then turn a guy down-“

“Hey, Jessica!” Kirsch intervened before this could go any further. 

“What?” the girl asked in confusion.

“You should leave this guy alone, we don’t need a repeat of last time.” 

“What are you-“

“You know, you’re _my best friend_ and all, but the boss isn’t going to let you keep hanging around here if you _keep kicking guys in the nuts, like you did last night.”_

Her eyes widened in recognition as Kirsch was talking. 

“What can I say, when guys hit on me I get angry,” she said, playing along. 

The guy looked between the two of them, before walking back towards the table of his friends, muttering ‘fucking psycho’ under his breath. 

“Thanks,” the girl turned back to Kirsch with a grateful smile. 

“Don’t worry about it, I see that kinda stuff happen all the time.”

“Can I know your name? You know since we’re _best friends and all,”_ she teased. 

“Kirsch,” he stuck out his hand, “And I’m assuming you’re not really called Jessica? Unless I’m a really good guesser.”

“As luck would have it, I am.”

“Fuck, no way!”

“Yeah you’re right, my name’s Danny,” she shook his hand and it sent a shot of lightning up his arm. 

“So, Danny, your date not turning up?” he said, turning back to continue polishing glasses. 

“Nah, she says she’s busy with work but to be honest I think she’s more interested in her roommate than she is in me.” 

“That totally sucks, bro, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah well, what can you do?” she shrugged.

“You know,” Kirsch turned back to her, trying to keep his voice casual, “there are gonna be a lot of annoying dudes around here tonight. I should probably stick around just to make sure they don’t try anything.”

“I’d like to see them try. If they do, I can handle myself. I probably do more time in the gym than you do.” 

“Impossible!” Kirsch said, before changing tack, “But I believe you. Maybe I should just stick around because I like the pleasure of your company?”

“Now _that,_ I can get behind.” 

 


	8. CIA au

“How the hell did you pass the induction test?” 

“Shut up!” 

“I”m serious, if the CIA is letting people like you in, I fear for the safety of this country.” 

“No I mean seriously shut up, I think I hear them coming!”

“Oh shit!” 

Danny sprung up from her seat, straightening an imaginary crease in her dress. Kirsch bolted from the computer he’d been browsing a few seconds before. (Danny still doubted she could call his limited skill set ‘hacking’.)

They both managed to adopt a casual position leaning against the desk just as the door swung open and the Senator waltzed in. 

“Oh, hello!” he smiled. 

Danny returned the greeting, putting on her best smile and pretending that she wasn’t aware of his darkest secrets. 

“Why are you two in here? You should be at the party!” 

“Uh, we wanted some alone time,” Kirsch jumped in, with a tone of voice that implied something Danny _really_ did not like. 

“Oh,” the Senator tapped his nose as if he understood (which he really, _really_ didn’t). “You two have fun.” 

He backed out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. 

“Please tell me you didn’t just tell one of the most influential politicians in the United States that we were making out in his office during a party?” Danny turned to Kirsch, who was already on his way back to the computer. 

“Whatever. It got rid of him, and I’m almost… done!” he tapped the final key with a triumphant flourish, and gave Danny a dorky lopsided smile. 

“Okay, so can we get out of here?” Danny said, agitated. Even though she’d been doing this job for years, she still got antsy when she was sent into the field. 

“No way, dude,” Kirsch said, “he’ll know something’s up. We gotta stay in here for a while.” 

“Uuuuuugh.” 

**Five Minutes Later**

“Can we leave yet?” 

“Nope.” 

**Another Five Minutes Later**

“You are astoundingly wrong.” 

“No seriously, hear me out. So the town is Purgatory, and all the kids are dead. That’s why they’ve all got weird coloured tongues!” 

“Kirsch, I am not going to believe your ridiculous theory about Ed, Edd n’ Eddy.” 

“Why not?!” 

**Another Five Minutes Later**

“Okay, I think we can leave.” 

“Thanks God,” Danny stood up gratefully from the desk chair, and made her way over to the door. 

“No wait, one more thing!” Kirsch stopped her. He reached up and messed her hair up a little bit, before loosening his own bow tie and undoing the top button. 

“Gross!”

“Hey we gotta make it believable, right? Plus in this tux I look like James Bond and I _know_ you dig it!”

Danny punched him in the arm to avoid admitting that he was right. 

 


	9. Zombie AU

“Get in the fucking door!” Kirsch yelled to Danny, who was still fighting off zombies in the street.

She smashed one in the gut, before turning and sprinting up the steps towards where Kirsch was standing. She bolted through the door, slamming it after her.

Kirsch immediately set to work, pulling some fallen beams from the ground to make a barricade. He could hear the soft moans and scratches coming from the other side of the door.

“We should be safe in here,” he said, turning back to see Danny sitting in the middle of the room, pulling up her trouser leg.

“Ah fuck.”

What Kirsch saw sent his heart plummeting down to his feet. 

“Is that what I think it is?” he stood rooted to the spot.

“Yeah,” Danny grunted, rolling her leg back down. Kirsch fell like the world was falling apart from under his feet, but Danny stood up, all business.

“We had a deal.”

“No.”

“You promised.”

“I promised because I didn't think it would be me having to do it!” Kirsch exploded. He didn't understand. He didn't understand what had happened and he didn't understand what Danny was asking him to do. “I thought _I'd_ be the one who went and got myself bitten, not you. It’s wasn’t meant to be you!”

“Well it fucking is, and you swore you’d do it!” Danny yelled back. “If you don’t then I’ll do it myself.”

“When did it happen?” Kirsch asked, almost whispering. He sat down tentatively next to her.

“During the fight in San Francisco.”

“ _Fuck._ That was two days ago.” 

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” 

“Because I knew you’d blame yourself, and I knew you’d refuse to shoot me until the deadline was staring you in the face!” 

“I _do_ blame myself! San Francisco was entirely my fault, I should never have trusted Will, I should have realised he was working for them, and I should have protected you-“ Kirsch wiped his face with his hands, struggling to breathe. He could feel sobs bubbling up inside him, and he couldn’t even finish the long list of things he should have done. 

He felt Danny’s hand on his shoulder, and he looked up to find her smiling at him sadly. If anything, _he_ should have been comforting _her._

Just another thing he was doing wrong, he guessed. 

“I’m not gonna.” 

“You have to, I don’t wanna see myself become like them. But it wasn’t your fault, none of it was. And I need you to know that, before I run out of time.”

The way Danny was looking at him with those wide, stunning eyes made him almost believe it could be true. 

Almost. 

“How long do you think you have?” 

“Ten minutes.”

“Last rites?” They’d lost people before. They had a system, and at this point it was almost routine. But it had never been Danny before. 

She slowly shook her head. 

“Nah, those are boring.” 

“What do you wanna do then?” 

“To be honest? I kinda wanna watch Spongebob, how lame is that?” she laughed, but there were tears in her eyes. “I wanna go to school and have to worry about nothing but homework and getting dates, and I wanna go out with my friends to the movies and do stupid stuff and get yelled at by my parents and then I wanna storm off to my bedroom and watch Spongebob.” 

“Danny-“

“I just want the world the way we were promised it, you know?”

“I know,” he put a hand on Danny’s knee, “I know.” 

“Look, Kirsch, if I get turned… we don’t know what happens to them, right? If they’re still in there or if they die or if they go to heaven…” she took a deep breath, and the wobble of her bottom lip made Kirsch’s heart break more than it already had. “But if you shoot me then, hey, that’s one option down, right? Either I’ll go to the afterlife or something, or I’ll just… die. But I won’t have to watch myself turning into a monster.” 

Kirsch didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was no way in hell he was shooting her. So he settled for the best thing he could think of; he distracted her. 

“If life was normal, what would you be doing?”

“What?” 

“If the world _was_ the way we were promised it, what would you be doing? Right now?” 

“I don’t understand-“

“I’d be the captain of the school football team. Quarterback. We’d, uh, win all the championships and I’d be a bit of an annoying jock who can’t do math or english, but when you really get to know him he’s pretty sweet under all that. And right now, let’s say it’s Saturday evening. So I’m at a party with my teammates, and we’re hitting on girls and getting drunk on alcohol that doesn’t make you go blind. What about you?” 

He turned to Danny, who was smiling in a way he couldn’t quite place. 

“I’d be, uh, the sporty girl everyone’s kinda afraid of. Probably also captain of a team… probably volleyball or hockey or something. I bet our teams would fight all the time over funding.” 

“Well, duh! Obviously the football team needs more, we’re carrying school pride!”

“Maybe the volleyball team could contribute more to school pride if we could afford uniforms that actually had our school colours on them!”

“There we go! You’re getting it!” Kirsch laughed. “So, what are you doing? Saturday night, come on.” 

“Probably having a sleepover with my friends.”

“Hot.” 

“ _Gross!”_ she nudged Kirsch playfully in the arm. “Anyway, we’d be talking about prom, planning dresses and dates.” 

“Do you have a date?”

“Not yet. I think everyone’s kinda scared of me.” 

“I’m not.” 

She turned to him, grinning. 

“Well then, Brody Kirsch, will you do me the honour of being my date to prom?” 

“Why I would love to, Danny Lawrence.” 

They sat for a while, smiling, until Danny leaned her head on Kirsch shoulder and he remembered why he was distracting herself in the first place. 

“You okay?” 

“I’m scared.”

“Me too.” 

There was silence for a while. Kirsch could hear Danny’s shallow breathing, and he tried his hardest not to think about how many breaths she had left. He just closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the feel of her next to him, one last time. 

After a while, she started to shake. Kirsch thought she was crying, until he turned to see her eyes rolling up inside her head. 

“Nonononono Danny!” he jumped up from the floor, allowing Danny to flop to the ground. She was convulsing now, and frothing from the mouth. 

He’d seen his fair share of people turning, but this was different, and all the more gruesome. Because it was Danny. _His_ Danny. 

He took out his gun, pointing it at the figure on the floor. His hands were shaking too much to aim, and he doubted he’d be able to pull the trigger even if they’d been steady. 

“ _Fuck.”_

There wasn’t another option. He couldn’t shoot her. He couldn’t save her. 

If he couldn’t protect her in life, maybe he could protect her in death. 

He put the gun down on the ground cautiously, then went to the corner of the room, sitting and hugging his knees to his chest, waiting. 

He closed his eyes, bracing himself. 

It was cold, but Kirsch didn’t mind. He was about to become much colder. 

Eventually Danny stopped groaning, and he could hear the sound of sloping, shuffling footsteps coming close to him. He still didn’t open his eyes. He couldn’t see her like that. Not yet. 

When he felt her teeth pierce his flesh, he became aware of a single tear running down his cheek. 

* * *

“Hey, Laura, come look at this,” LaFontaine said, squinting through the binoculars. 

“What is it?” Laura walked over to where they were crouching by the window. 

“Those two Zs. They’re walking together.” 

“Yeah, so?” 

“The Zs are usually solitary creatures. I’ve never seen two of them do anything but fight over food before.”

Laura shrugged, “maybe they’re undead bros.” 

“Yeah,” LaFontaine agreed, watching one of the figures take the other by the hand and lead her away from the waiting guns of Laura’s team.

 


	10. Bodyguard AU

This wasn’t going to be a fun job. 

Danny had dealt with a lot of idiots in her time. As someone who almost exclusively worked with the upperclass of socialist society, she spent a fair amount of time with people who thought learning to read was beneath them. 

But she hadn’t ever had to protect someone who was so _freaking annoying._

“Hey, hey, Danny, look!” the charge said. With a roll of her eyes Danny turned around, to find him attempting to juggle red, white, and blue balloons with a goofy smile on his face. 

“Mr Kirsch, I highly advise you don’t draw attention to yourself,” she said with disdain, but he didn’t listen. 

“Come on, these things are always so boring! Why do I even have to be here?” 

“You’re father’s-“

“One of the most influential men in the world, I know. And this conference could make or break his economic empire or whatever, but I just find it so dull!” 

“There will be a lot of important people there tonight,” Danny said, trying to keep her voice patient, “I suggest not angering any of them. Your dad has enough enemies as it is.” 

“Is that why he’s hired you to protect me?” Kirsch sulked, sitting on one of the cheap plastic chairs that was set out in the hall, “Because I need a girl to look after me?” 

“Me being a girl has nothing to do with it. I graduated top of my class. I’m trained in six different martial arts, and I _bet_ I can do more pushups than you.” 

“No way.” 

“Wanna bet?” 

“You’re on!” 

* * *

“Okay, okay, okay, you proved me wrong!” Kirsch panted, collapsing on the floor. 

“Really? You’re giving up so soon? I’m not even breaking a sweat!” Danny said triumphantly, continuing to do her pushups. 

“Shut up.” 

“Not until you admit that you got beaten by a girl _and_ that there is no shame in that because girls aren’t weak in any way.” 

Kirsch sighed, before sitting up and looking Danny straight in the eyes.

“I got beaten by a girl, and there’s no shame in that because girls aren’t weak in any way.” 

“There we go!” Danny said, patting him on the shoulder, “that’s your motivational speech for today. Now go shower and get changed, because the conference starts in thirty minutes and you’re all gross and sweaty.” 

* * *

Danny had spent a lot of time standing outside of parties. It was kinda her job. But it was cold on the steps of the palace and her favourite song was playing from inside and she wasn’t allowed to dance. 

The conference had finished, and she’d escorted Kirsch from the embassy to a magnificent palace his father had rented out for the night. There was a grand party blah blah blah who really cared? 

Danny crossed her arms, trying to keep some warmth in, when the music all of a sudden got louder. She looked over, and the door was opening.

As it closed, she saw Kirsch standing outside. 

“Shouldn’t you be inside, partying?” 

“What, and making conversation with all those rich guys? Dude, up until I was thirteen, I had to wear hand me downs because we couldn’t afford new clothes. And sure, Dad has his business now but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll never be one of them. And they know it,” he sat down on the steps, loosening his tie. 

Danny sat down next to him. 

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve probably guarded almost everyone in there, and they all have the personality of a damp towel. I’d much rather take a guy in hand me downs than one who thinks talking to his bodyguard is beneath him. 

Kirsch smiled wide.

“Really?” 

“Of course.” 

“Thanks. You know you’re pretty cool, for a… you’re just pretty cool.”

“Not bad yourself.” 

 


End file.
